An open letter to my four-year-old

Dear Molly,
    I have not written a blog post in quite a long time. There are many reasons for this...lack of priority, not adding it to my to-do list, a trip out of town for a funeral, but the biggest reason is that I lost my desire to break down our time together into educational jargon. I have been fighting my desire to give you all of what I know you need, such as lots of time to play, explore, and be read to, with what I have been indoctrinated to believe you need. I know in my heart, and have read countless books from child development experts who back me up, that children learn through play, yet our society is forcing formal learning on children younger and younger all the time. Babies sit in front of videos and get flash cards held in front of them, toddlers and preschoolers are bombarded with "educational" tv shows, classes... Toys, books, outings, tv, all are intended to "teach" children. There are very few idle moments in the life of American children. Children are not allowed to be bored. When we look to homeschooling families, we may see less tv, more time to play, etc. but we also see many parents turn everything into a "teachable moment." Many kids have curriculum brought into the home and that works to a point, but at what cost? I read blog after blog from moms who talk about what a fight it is to get their children to sit down and do school. Children have different learning styles. If a homeschooling mom ignores the learning style of her child there will be an issue. You and I have experienced that ourselves! You are a kinesthetic learner. If I were to sit you down and force you to work it is the ultimate torture for you. It is actually the ultimate torture for most kids regardless of his or her learning style. There are few kids who would rather sit still and be taught than be able to learn by living life. Need to work on fractions? Make some pizza or bake something. Adding and subtracting? Play a game. Do math problems in the car while you're driving. You would tell them to do marshmallow math;) We do adding, subtracting, grouping, dividing all while playing with a big pile of mini marshmallows. Anything can be learned without formal teaching. I have to remember this because I was brought up in the system that tells us otherwise. It is a system that says we have to have an outside person (a professional) teach our children or else they will end up horribly lacking. When all of the evidence indicates otherwise we get the "socialization" argument. I have yet to have anyone give me a compelling reason why a child spending 6 or 7 hours with a group of other children all the same age in a setting that keeps children out of the community and away from family is a legitimate way to socialize. It is a manufactured community. You, on the other hand, spend your days in actual community living and socializing with children of all ages, adults, elderly, and extended family. Socialization is the only argument that educators have to threaten us with...well that and chemistry. I get that one a lot:) I do not want to be your teacher. I do not believe that you need a teacher. I want to be your learning partner, your facilitator, but not your teacher. You have, as all kids have, an amazing capacity to learn. You ask amazing questions, you have a wide variety of interests, and you have a passion for life, and for learning all it has to teach you. My role is to carve out the space for you to play and explore. My role is to make sure that I take you places like museums, nature centers, libraries, and let you see how places like grocery stores work ( I will get you into the "secret room" at Costco, I promise!). My role is to search to find answers to your questions, and when the time comes, to guide you to find the answers for yourself. My role is to help you learn life skills. You have already mastered so many and are becoming such a help in the kitchen and around the house. I see how posessing these skills has given you such confidence. If I could tell other moms one thing that we have discovered while homeschooling I would tell them to start as early as possible introducing life skills. Sweeping the floor, mopping, helping with food prep, making a bed, folding socks...builds confidence, self esteem, and gives children a firm sense of being a part of a family. My role is to make sure that you have the skills you need to function in society. My role is to make sure that you have access to books at all times. You just learned how to read last week. I am so proud of your accomplishment and am so excited for what doors this will now open up for you. I do not take any credit for you accomplishing this feat. I did not "teach" you how to read. There is no program that would have taught you this. There are only a couple of things a child needs to know in order to read. The first one is that he or she needs to know every sound/sounds a letter makes. The second is how the sounds work together. After that it becomes all about exposure to books and practicing sounding things out until the light goes on. For some kids it can be 10 years old. For others it can be 3 or 4. I did not push you to read nor do I wear a t-shirt that announces that "I have, in fact, "taught" my 4-year-old to read so in your face traditional schoolers." I do not believe in the schools timeline. I do not believe that if a second grader still isn't reading that he or she should be labeled. I know that there are many homeschooled children who are allowed to develop at the pace that is natural to them and they learn to read at an older age, but they jump far ahead of their peers because they haven't been shamed for not learning it when everyone else did. I have known many children who developed a deep hatred for reading because of the shame they felt in the hands of a "teacher." Homeschooling parents do not have to follow traditional school guidelines. We need to allow our children to develop at their own pace and not feel pressured from outside sources. We need to step back. We need to let their learning pace, accomplishments, and in some cases even their failures to be theirs. We are facilitators. We should not be teachers. I know that I have confused that in the 1 1/2 years that we have homeschooled. I have bought into the pressure. I have allowed people who are a part of the system to freak me out. I have seen enough now, prayed enough,  and I have certainly read enough to know that the system doesn't work for you, my child and I want it far away from you. I don't want to bring curriculum in our home that doesn't have anything to do with you. I know now that anything that is needed to be learned for college can be learned in a very short time with no curriculum involved. I know that curriculum is often very much like bringing school into our home. I don't want school in our home. I want a passion for learning. I want you to wake up when you are ten and when you are sixteen like you do now. I want you jumping out of bed with twenty questions and a slew of ideas and things that you must accomplish or you'll burst. I don't want that light to go out because I am sitting you down at the table forcing a curriculum on you that has nothing to do with you or your interests and has no context in which to connect it to your life. Curriculum is for parents who don't want their kids in the system, but are afraid to leave it. I was one of those parents once. I'm not anymore. I trust you because I see what you are capable of. I will not be responsible for being the one to put that light out. I will start to blog about our experiences again, but it will now be under this context. We are both learning every day. There is no "school" day. There is no "day off." There is only a house that is full of cooking, baking, reading, playing, imagination, story-telling, art, science, math, language, music, and whatever else grabs us. It is a great life and you are a great kid. I love every minute of my time with you and I am so grateful to not be spending it on lesson plans and fighting you to learn things that you don't want to learn. It is a waste of time and damaging. This childhood belongs to you and I am so grateful to be able to come along for the ride:)

Quarantine

   
     So that second week in November as we were just getting started with our new school initiatives, I got sick. I take care of myself and eat well so I figured that this would be over and done in a few days. I had horrible chills and high fevers initially and then the sore throat hit. Wednesday night, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday...no end in sight. I went to the doctor and was put on an antibiotic for strep throat and was also being treated for what we believed was a kidney infection. Broke out in itching from the top of my head to my feet (including the palms of my hands), my eyes were puffy and itchy, too. My doctor told me to stop the antibiotic and was waiting to put me on a new one until she could see me again. I ended up in urgent care because my throat was swollen shut and I could hardly breath. I received a new antibiotic and went back home to bed. The most fun was the huge canker sore under my tongue and the split in the tip of my tongue from breathing through my mouth while sleeping. I couldn't eat, couldn't talk, and continued to have fevers (low grade at this point). I was back at the doctor for my test results and it turned out it wasn't my kidneys, but actually my liver that was affected. My liver enzymes were extremely elevated. I went back in for more blood tests and found out that I had infectious mono. In the first 14 days, I lost 12 lbs. For a month, I could not hug, kiss, read to, play with, or tend to my daughter. Once a day, right before she laid down to sleep, I would change my shirt and we would go through this elaborate routine so that I could give her one hug before bed. There was no way that I was going to infect my child and have her experience even a moment of the hell that I was living in. The seminar didn't address what to do when you can't read to your child, or anything else for that matter. My husband either made her a plate for lunch, before he left for work that morning, that she could get out of the refrigerator herself, or would come home at lunch time and fix her something. He came home once a day to take her outside to ride her bike around the block or take a quick walk. Otherwise, she spent the day playing, listening to books on CD, and watching TV. Yep, nothing like an illness like this to make the TV come on. Yeah, mono was definitely not addressed during the seminar. The mouth sores eventually cleared up, the fevers stopped, the liver pain has all but gone away, and we are slowly getting ourselves back on track. I started out with a lot of outings because I owed her big time for hanging in there with me (without me is more like it). Her first outing she wanted was the library. That made me smile! I'm so glad that out of everything she could have chosen the library was what she desired the most. We got a stack of books and 5 or 6 audio CD's. I brought a stroller since I knew I wouldn't be able to lift so she could load up. We started taking walks again. I have been able to read to her again which is a huge gift to me. Whether you homeschool or not, an illness in the family makes you have to rethink your priorities. I learned in this past month that it's ok to let go of  some things in order to take care of other things. My husband and I did the very best we could. Molly still had Thanksgiving with my family, she got to go to a fun Christmas festival, got outside every day, got her bedtime stories, filled her day with art and playdoh, and had a month with lots of movies. When I dragged myself to the bathroom in the early days of the illness and saw paint all over the towels, I just smiled and thought, "Thank God it's washable." I put out piles of markers, crayons, paint, brushes of every size and style, paper, etc. and went back to bed. She had a prolific month and I got my rest. I'd say we did a pretty good job!

By the way, she took those leaves she painted and taped them all over the room I was living in during the days. She said that she wanted to, "make it feel like you are in an art museum." She also sounded out (with very little help) "Mom I hope you feel better" on her giant dry erase board in "my" room. What a sweet, little girl. I am very blessed:)

Matisse

    The other thing that I wanted to implement after attending the seminar was daily outside time. Molly and I go out most days, but I found that going to and from the car is often the only actual outside time. I had purchased a pair of rain boots for myself this past summer so I was looking forward to putting them to use. On that Wednesday, we put our rain gear on and went outside. We were just strolling along the sidewalk when I looked down and saw the leaves plastered onto the wet sidewalk. She and I read a lot about artists so I said, "Which artist would have liked to paint this?" She looked at me blankly so I said, "Cezanne probably would have because he painted still-life." Then I said, "What do you think Matisse would have thought of this? Maybe he would have used the leaves as inspiration for his stained glass or his paintings? What would he have thought of the colors?" Molly passionately said, "He would not have liked these colors. He liked bright colors!" So as we walked along she would run to grab certain leaves and would shout, "Matisse would have loved this one!" She then collected about 6 huge maple leaves and brought them home. We decided to paint them. We called it, "If Matisse had his way." It was Molly's interpretation of what Autumn would look like if Matisse had his way. She painted each of the leaves a bright, beautiful color and we set them aside to dry. As I was sitting there, she said, "I have a poem." Now when Molly says those words I have to jump to find a video camera because it could be gone as quickly as it comes and I can't write fast enough to keep up. I grabbed my phone and turned on the video camera and she made up a poem right there on the spot. Here it is...

Our New Love

     The Tuesday after the seminar, Molly and I went to the library and checked out a lot of books...including audio books. It was so exciting to add audio books to our repertoire! I found it especially useful when she was tired after a long day and wanted to watch tv. I could put on a CD and she would lay in her bed or on the couch and listen to a story. TV zones kids out...the audio books allowed her to keep her brain engaged and active while she relaxed. Her favorites have been Beverly Cleary books (she has checked out 4 different ones), Judy Blume's "Superfudge," and "Charlotte's Web." We own most of these books already, but for her to be able to listen whenever she wants and not have to wait for someone to read to her has been so nice for her. She will sometimes listen for two hours of her day. She has a CD player in her room and we have one in the living room that I showed her how to use. It is so nice for her to have this bit of independence and not have to ask for permission or help. I often find her sitting on her bed looking at piles of picture books as she is listening to a book being read.

Computer Crash

    Back in the first weekend of November I went to a day-long seminar to hear a woman named Carol Joy Seid speak about using literature in homeschooling. I came out of that seminar with renewed focus and renewed passion. I couldn't wait to jump in on that Monday morning and implement the changes I had resolved to make. First I would drastically reduce her television watching. She never watched that much, but I was going to try to get it to an hour or two a week total. The second thing was to get her off the computer. Reducing the computer time goes against almost everything I was taught to believe and actually almost every parent and teacher believe...that computers help kids learn. What I learned in the seminar is that computer use actually damages childrens eyes, and it also takes them away from the way they learn best...by exploring their environment, listening to books, life experience. It turned out that Molly had an appointment on that Monday with a pediactric opthamologist. I had made the appointment back in September after her pediatrician recommended she see a specialist. The timing could not have been more perfect, it turns out! I was able to talk to the specialist about what I had heard at the conference. The specialist agreed 100% with Ms. Seid. The doctor said that they now see so many young children whose eyes have been damaged and who need glasses at 4, 5, and 6 years old. All of the parents said that the child played hand-held video games, and spent time on the computer. She recommends drastically reducing computer and video game time for all children because it affects the growth of the eyes and causes permanent damage. The doctor also said that she rarely saw it before...it is becoming more common as more games and websites are being marketed to young children. I was so grateful to have heard this message at the seminar, but then to be able to speak to an expert and have the message confirmed really made me rethink the path we were on. Just because other parents are doing it, and just because marketing people are telling you that it will make your child smarter doesn't mean it is healthy for your child. Do the research yourself and make a decision that is best for your family.

Mary Poppins

    Yesterday, Molly and I took the train downtown to have lunch at the French Market and then went to see the musical "Mary Poppins" at the Cadillac Theater. We had a great time and both of us loved the musical. She has a great attention span being able to focus for almost a three hour show! During intermission, Molly asked the coat check girl how they made Mary Poppins fly. The woman told her it was magic, but Molly was having none of that. The woman looked at me and said, "She doesn't really want to know, does she? It will ruin it for her!" After we assured her that it was ok to give her the technical details, the woman laid it all out for her. It made the second half of the show even more interesting for her because she was able to watch for certain things (like the wire). She seemed fascinated by the creativity and technology that went into that part of the show. Her desire to ask questions and dig deeper than the surface is a trait that I see in her that I rarely see in kids in traditional school settings. There is no embarrassment, no shame, a thirst for knowledge, and most importantly the belief that everyone has something to teach us...not just the one person appointed with that role. I would not have thought to ask the coat check girl inside information about the show, but she knew so much! I am so glad that Molly realized that she was more than her job, because I didn't. So often I witnessed in my own childhood, as well as with the kids I have known since, that kids in school tend to want the learning to be over as soon as the school day ends. I never want Molly to see learning as a chore or as something to just endure. She has such a passion to absorb as much as she can about the world around us, and it brings me such pleasure to be able to share in that:)

    When we went to collect our belongings at the coat check after the show was over, Molly asked the woman why the room she was working in only had white walls. The woman looked stunned like she had never noticed or thought about it before. Molly decided that she should paint it pink with white stripes. Who knows maybe when we go back the next time we will see a fancy new coat check room:) We walked back to the train station and got there as the train was boarding...we were so happy to find out it was an express train! She wanted to get home to watch the movie of Mary Poppins so that she could compare the two versions while it was fresh in her head. I wasn't thrilled with her watching tv after watching a play for almost three hours, but she was dissecting it the whole way home...analyzing each character, comparing and contrasting every scene...I couldn't say "no" and I think it really helped her to get the most out of the experience.

Uranus! LOL!

    We have a busy week but yesterday we managed to slow it down a bit. Molly and I stayed home except for a necessary trip to Costco. Looking back at the day, Molly ended up doing about four hours of school overall. She did great with her reading program "Play and Read", worked on identifying the fifty states, did games online for spelling and parts of speech...adjectives used to be her strongest area, but now she is struggling with those as she is focusing on her nouns and verbs. The madlibs help and we will be using those today on our train ride downtown.
    Molly got a placemat at the Indianapolis Children's Museum featuring the U.S. Presidents. We studied that yesterday, too. It has fascinating facts on it! She thought that Abraham Lincoln was the Notre Dame "Fighting Irish" mascot:) http://thesocietypages.org/socimages/2008/10/05/notre-dames-fighting-irish-mascot/. She even ran and got her camera to take of picture of him to show Grandpa! We also worked on sign language, and the solar system. I turn into an eight-year-old boy whenever Uranus is discussed...she suffers through my immaturity;) School for us is never boring, that's for sure!!